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- How to seek guidance (effectively)
“When the pupil is ready, the master will appear…”
It’s a great line, isn’t it? That moment when Zorro reveals himself to his future successor in “The Mask of Zorro”. I remember reflecting on all the teachers and mentors I had up to that point, and how they were chosen for me, how they appeared…
I never had to seek them out.
My parents did all the heavy lifting at the time. I hadn’t had any experience in seeking out the right people to guide me on my way. It’s normal. When you’re a child, whoever raised you was largely responsible for cultivating the garden of your life. The first harvest you make as you take your first steps out into the world are of their toils.
At least that’s how it was for me.
I know that I was incredibly fortunate and that not everyone has this kind of upbringing. Those are some of the most resilient and the most resourceful people who do incredible things.
When it comes to seeking out the people who can help you on your way, this is one of the trickiest things to get right. It isn’t the end of the world if you don’t, though. Like all things, it takes practice and patience and courage.
Here’s how I’ve done it in my adult life.
Where the wild things are
My college career was where I started seeking out my own teachers and mentors.
You don’t get a whole lot of say in who your professors will be, but you can certainly select the ones who guide you through the next few years of your life in academia. If you don’t like the person who was assigned as your professor, you have every right to switch. The easiest places to find mentors are in the everyday activities of your life, and the internet has brought the world to your fingertips on so many levels.
Even AI is now becoming a powerful source of mentorship.
Keep in mind that this recent advancement in humanity is not a silver bullet. I’m simply putting this forward for consideration as I’ve personally started exploring its potential as well. Tony Stark uses it to great effect across the MCU timeline (like in the third film where he pinpoints where the next Extremis attack will be), and this is where it shines the most; as a heavy lifter for analysis, design, and feedback.
Don’t use it as a substitute for your voice.
In your career, you have your manager, their manager, and anyone adjacent to your area of expertise.
In your personal life, you have relatives, close friends, and your family.
In your creative fields and hobbies, you have social media platforms.
It was the latter where I started thinking hard about the true meaning of searching for mentors. Networking isn’t about reaching out with the intent to use others to get ahead. That was the biggest misconception I had coming out of my college experience. I hated the disingenuous glad-handling, butt-kissing, fawning approach that seemed to pervade some of the career fairs that I attended in hopes of an internship.
Over the past few years, I’ve had the privilege of meeting so many writers and creators across the world. Those people are my inspiration and the ones who lead me to learn this craft. They continue to be the ones who keep me moving forward.
The most important steps to take in the search are to admit to yourself that:
you want a mentor
that you need mentor
that you are willing to make the commitment to the relationship
Regardless of whether it’s in your career, your personal life, or your creative outlet, understanding that this step is essential means you are taking charge of your life.
The mentor-mentee relationship
It’s a two-way street.
If that wasn’t obvious to you, then think of it this way: the ideal relationship is one where both parties get to grow together. The nature of the two roles are mutually beneficial in that the mentor has an opportunity to stress test their knowledge and experience while the mentee gets to save time avoiding pitfalls and reinventing too many wheels.
The older we are, the more we find ourselves in both roles across all aspects of our lives.
As a parent, I’m keenly aware of that with each passing year. Now that I’m on that side of the fence, it’s one of the most humbling things to understand and realize just how difficult it can be. Kids are always watching, listening, absorbing. They will Furby back the things that you say even when you thought they were nowhere close to you when you said them. They’re little copy ninjas.
You have to walk the walk and talk the talk.
These are the traits of a good mentor-mentee relationship:
Clear expectations of outcomes
Clear boundaries in when to meet
Clear set of objectives and milestones
Defined criteria for when the relationship ends
The relationship doesn’t necessarily have to align with every aspect of life. However, the alignment of values and beliefs is one of the most important ones to establish first. If you don’t know all that much about what your ideal mentor should be like, then you only need to reflect on yourself and your identity.
The biggest step in the relationship is actually starting it.
Make it official
Yes, it’s like dating…but you don’t marry them (or do you?)
“The Legend of the Condor Heroes” comes to mind actually. In martial arts culture, it’s taboo for this to happen between the master and the student, but I digress.
It doesn’t have to be awkward at all. Reach out via email or text to ask for a meeting. If you’re serious about this, show it by doing the homework. Demonstrate that you’ve made an effort to get to know them, their work, and their interests. It’s a lot like pitching yourself for a job (funny how that is for everything in life).
Here’s an outline of what you might say:
Start with something recent (their content)
State that it resonated with you and a quick intro
Be honest about why you’re reaching out to them
Make the ask and see if they’re interested in meeting
Thank them for their time and hope to hear from them
And yes, this type of thing is an undertaking for both of you. Like any search for relationships (friends, significant others, internships, careers, etc.) you’re going to be doing this many times throughout your life. We’re all busy people with lives to live, but you never know when someone’s calendar opens up.
Whatever you do, don’t be pushy or creepy or…just don’t do the stuff stalkers do.
Anyway, try this exercise:
list people you admire
find their contact information
write out a message or a script to ask to connect
Come to think of it, this is pretty much how DM’s work these days (at least the ones that are real).
Next time, I’ll share how this kind of relationship impacts the greater context of your life.
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