Nothing grows in isolation

September 22nd, 2024…

“Sorry to hear that, drink more water and rest. Wish you have a quick recovery soon! See you next week!”

This was the last time I would ever receive a text from my Tai Chi master.

Five days later, he died of a massive heart attack.

It feels like there’s no justice in the world.

Imagine devoting your entire life to being a disciple of one of the four tigers of the martial arts world and then having your body be at the mercy of genetics.

When it’s your time to leave, what do you leave behind?

More than anything else, his passing started the entire process that lead to this newsletter crystallizing in its focus.

It forced me to realize what all the searching and meandering writing that I had done in the past few years were leading me towards.

We are all shaped by our mentors, our role models, people who give us windows to the larger world and hone our identities in the many facets of the diamond core through pressure, heat, and titanic forces that shear it.

He, as well as several other people I want to share with you today, was one such person to me.

Use what I share with you as an example to reflect on your own network of influencers.

Five incredible people who have shaped my life

Throughout this week, you’ve cobbled together several different ways of looking at your identity from several angles, prismatically splitting it from the light that you bathed in without considering all the colors that comprise it.

You surrounded yourself with people who resonated with you and aligned with your values.

They are a part of what you pass on.

Here are five such individuals for me over the past four decades who have and continue to be the foundation of mine…

1. My parents

My father continues to inspire me as a person who is resilient and versatile. Even though he is an amputee, it never affected his ability to raise a family, be a successful electrical engineering professor at a technical college, or consistently cook and be a grandfather to my boys.

My mother continues to push me to take care of myself as my personality and drive are very much like her style: relentless, overbearing, and borderline obsessive in cleanliness. As a cancer survivor, she’s pulled back significantly from those days, but she see’s me doing the same thing with concern.

I have my mother’s execution tendencies and my father’s zest for lifelong learning.

2. My piano teacher

For nearly eight years, Mrs. Brown pushed me to levels in music that most don’t have the chance to reach. Without her no-nonsense lessons about focus, discipline, and an emphasis on the basics as being always important, I wouldn’t have the baseline to pick up all the other artistic and academic pursuits to the level that I did in later decades.

“Quit foolin’ yourself.”

A sentence that she drilled into me because of my tendency to want to hurry in finishing a piece of music before I had mastered all the techniques needed to perform it well.

It’s something I have kept in mind in every aspect of my life, especially this pursuit of writing.

3. My theater director

Betsy Bisson of the South Carolina Children’s Theater is another no-nonsense individual with a very clear set of values that she continues to emphasize to students that go through her programs. She brought me into that world at the introduction of another incredible director and teacher, Will Ragland, who leads the Mill Town Players in his own theater now.

She pushed me to do all sorts of incredibly uncomfortable roles that were far, far from my personality:

• a hungover quadriplegic

• a rapist bound and blinded to a fireplace

• an ecological terrorist intimidating and torturing his captive

You think you know the phrase “walk a mile in another person’s shoes” until you’ve done theater with a person who challenges you.

“Every ‘no’ brings you closer to the ‘yes’ that matters.”

I first heard this expression from her, and it’s reinforced my own ability to decouple execution from emotion.

4. My wife

You didn’t think I wasn’t going to include her did you?

For the past eight years, she’s challenged every single norm that I was brought up to believe as sacred.

• clothes can be donated when you’re done with them

• jobs aren’t permanent like they were for the last generation

• marriage isn’t just a two-way street and actually requires constant effort

These are just a few of the things that she made me revisit and question in life.

The nature of relationships and boundaries and sexuality…my previous views on them were actually quite conservative compared to hers.

She pushes me to remember what it means to really have an “open mind”.

5. My Tai Chi master

Last, but not least, Jimmy Dong taught me the value of a legacy, consistent practice, and the larger perspective of passing on your teachings.

I’m just now beginning to realize just how important this role is as a husband, a son, a father, and a teacher.

You can only be a follower for so long before your skill level becomes too significant to stay in the background.

Even though I had stepped into the role of being a tutor, a teacher, and a professor many times throughout my life, I didn’t think about its impact on the next generation until I had children of my own.

I didn’t have to face the prospect of becoming a true leader until he passed, leaving a void in the local community.

Those shoes are there…

and they’re pretty big at first glance, right?

Greatness is thrust upon those who don’t wish it, not the other way around.

People who actively pursue power for the sake of it often are the ones who wield it in the worst way possible.

We attract those who value what we value and believe what we believe.

They may not see life in the exact same way, but that’s what makes mentors and role models so powerful.

Now that you have a clearer handle on your identity, think about the five greatest people who have affected your life.

Don’t think about the celebrities or famous people first (those are easy).

Think about the people throughout your life who have been your teachers, your guides, your mentors.

List those who have inspired you, challenged you, or supported you as you became the person you are today.

Take a piece of paper.

Write down “You” in the center and draw a circle around it.

Like a mind map, take these people and connect them to you as well as to each other if they are related in any way.

This is your community map, a web of those who support you.

You’re Kevin Bacon here.

Let me know if you do this exercise and any insights you discovered in the comments!

Tomorrow, I’ll give the last identity exercise.

You’re well on your way to creating your digital heirloom.