One of my best traits is also my worst

I stand there as the chaos unfolds.

One kid is tearing little bits of his textbook off and puts them into his mouth.

Another one stares at me but isn’t really focusing on what I’m saying.

Yet another is furiously scribbling away in his notebook as he struggles to understand the questions I’m asking.

It’s a typical Sunday afternoon in the classroom.

My first year as a Chinese teacher can pretty much be summed up as more or less a depressing spectacle.

Truthfully, there are days where I wish they’d take things a bit more seriously and actually treat the weekly sessions like it’s real school. The fact that I’m a volunteer for this position is completely lost on them. I’m lucky if I get all of them to actually pay attention for more than a few minutes at a time.

Self expression is very similar to this experience.

Not everyone is going to care about your work. In fact, most won’t see any value in it unless you do this one thing that most are afraid to do.

Stop. Being. Nice.

As Kieran Drew says, “nice doesn’t get you noticed.”

Let munch on this concept: overcoming the fear of sharing your vulnerability and crushing creative insecurity.

The biggest block to building

There’s kindness. Then there’s being “nice”.

You know what I mean. It’s the Duchenne smile that people give for cameras, the Southern phrase that veils contempt or pity, the pig butchers who play the long game and rug-pull millions from their trusting victims.

Being the former doesn’t have anything to do with being the latter.

What I just listed there are the varying degrees of being “nice” that range from protecting yourself due to fear of judgment to being predatory and extraction through manipulation. The vast majority of us operate in the default setting of wearing the mask in public because we’re taught to fit in, to “not rock the boat”, especially if you’re a child of immigrants.

Go along to get along as they say.

It’s nice…right?

It’s been one of my worst traits in the past.

No, I’m not a psychopath who’s working an angle. Being nice is a benign form of introversion to some degree. I’ve been guilty of behaving this way in the past in order to avoid conflict, to fade into the background, to avoid the limelight even when I deserved it.

The fear of judgment is the arrow to the proverbial knee of creation and self expression.

This is the choice

To those I am close to (very few), I’m often described as a kind person.

Pet owners are mildly surprised at how their animals behave around me within moments of introduction.

“He doesn’t usually do that to strangers.” is the most common phrase I hear. By then, I’m usually busy giving the pet a belly rub or leaving my hand out for them to sniff and rub their noses all over.

It’s how I won my father-in-law over when my wife first brought me to his house.

He had one particular outdoor stray named Jack who he had been in the process of adopting by degrees. Jack was a free spirit, all muscle and grit from living on the streets, but was warming up to having a long-term residence. Most cats are aloof, detached, at least on the surface.

He took one look at me and was at my feet within minutes.

Honestly, I don’t know what it is about me that animals seem to like so much, but I take it as a good indicator that I’m not giving off “nice” vibes that are my shield in public.

There’s a mindset shift that you need to consciously make when it comes to self expression: validation-seeking vs personal truth. A good chunk of my writing unfortunately skewed toward seeking approval for my views as opposed to sharing it with conviction. “Nice” content vs. true self-expression, erring on the side of caution, letting the instilled reflexive protection of the immigrant mindset rear its head in my writing.

My parents taught me that being a target was extremely dangerous in America.

It’s certainly not their fault (and it’s not exactly untrue, especially now). The sad part of this lesson is that it ends up with you curbing your enthusiasm for anything, stopping short of committing to anything, and holding back just a bit more than you would have. Going all in becomes a death sentence in your mind, and reasonable risk management is dialed up to overdrive in every aspect of your life.

It’s all in the name of surviving in a country and integrating into the system.

I eventually got sick of that mentality.

Stop trying and start doing

Don’t want to spend years of self-reflection to jettison the “nice” approach?

The easiest way to start removing it is by building an environment of trust, a safe space for your true thoughts. You won’t come out of your shell otherwise.

Start doing things in private that allow you to vent about your struggles. Journaling, vlogging, playing RPGs, these are the release valves that become gateways to a larger world and a stronger voice. Find a family member or close friend that you can confide in about your ideas and opinions. This might have sounded dumb even a decade or two ago, but the loneliness epidemic created by social media has made this relevant.

In person social interaction is now entirely optional on the surface, but nothing could be further from the truth.

True self expression stems from vulnerability, from baring your soul even when it seems like no one is listening. But as they say in “Ocean’s Eleven”:

“Someone is always watching.”

You never know when something you say or do can have a profound impact on someone who happens to be observing. If you’re a parent, then you know this fact quite well. Kids will replicate everything they see and hear.

Next time you have a chance, share something that you truly believe that most might not. You can say it in a conversation, post it to social media, or record it. Self expression is a process. You don’t just magically start being your true self, and there’s something to be said about good judgment (both of character and situational awareness).

It’s taken me years to even begin to understand this nuance. Next time we’ll talk about how to pass creative courage onto the next generation.