Should I stay or should I go?

Yes, if you’re somewhere in my generation, you will probably have a guitar riff stuck in your head after reading that title.

Nothing is sacred. Nothing is set in stone. You aren’t required to have every value that you’ve been instilled to last your entire life. In fact, not even the ones you took as your own need to be enshrined in the temple of your mind for all time.

Some will evolve. Some will stay static.

Some will be dropped.

Inheritance vs. acquisition

As an Asian American, there are some things that are hammered into us that are now stereotypical:

• be good at math

• speak your language

• keep everything that you own

One of these things I failed at. One of these things I’m struggling with.

One of these things I completely jettisoned as an engineer.

Maybe you can guess which is which?

Generational influence is something that is unavoidable when it comes to instilling values. Your parents may be immigrants like mine and have come from a countries that were or are currently under authoritarian regimes. They may have grown up in environments that challenged them and forced them to be resilient, economical, and resourceful, even pragmatic with some beliefs that you take as entitlements now.

As a child, you lived in environments that they provided for you to the best of their ability.

As an adult, you now have the choice to mirror that environment but also craft and modify it to your own taste and choices.

That’s the difference between inherited values and acquired values. You are given a “starter pack” of values from your upbringing, but you have your own values that you take on over the course of your life.

Here are some that I’ve chosen for myself:

• efficiency

• giving back

• self-awareness

These aren’t exactly counter to what my parents taught me, but they are somewhat at odds with what they believe in simply because of the survival aspect or their lives when they came to the US. When you start with nothing, everything seems to be priceless, and it’s hard to let things go because “you never know”.

It gets a little extreme when that thing you can’t let go of is obsolete, though.

You always have a choice.

There’s no reason to go to the default and become complacent.

• You may value endurance, but knowing when to quit is also a powerful thing.

• You may value “love conquers all”, but understanding toxic relationships and when to end them benefits you in the long-term.

• You may value “spare no expense for the cause”, but being aware of your financial situation is more pragmatic.

The truth is that your values are tempered over time by life experience and perspective. The principles you operate from your childhood where everything is black and white become a spectrum of grey. It’s not to say that values are expendable or exercised when it’s convenient or expedient, though. Right and wrong do have their absolutes, but more often than not, the world isn’t split neatly into these two camps.

Your values are your guidelines that are manifested by your principles, but there will be times when you must choose your fights.

Using my values above:

• I need to let the dishes and laundry wait when my kids are regularly trashing the living room.

• I can’t give to charity all the time, but I donate whenever I’m asked at the check out line.

• I won’t always have time to reflect on my journey, but I carve out time to write after my family goes to sleep.

Your core values guide your actions, but your life situation can shift different ones in and out over time. Some values are timeless and will never be dropped. Others become outdated due to technological advances and improved circumstances.

What you keep and what you discard in this respect is flexible.

Give and take

You may feel a little put out by this issue since I’ve been writing about the digital heirloom and how it is something that is meant to be passed on to your loved ones.

“How can you say that values are flexible? Doesn’t that just make you a sell out?”

What I’m getting at is that the values you have and act on principle change over time. Nothing is set in stone, and trying to hold on to outdated ones when they don’t serve you anymore can hinder or even be detrimental to your growth as an individual.

Take a moment to reflect on one value you were raised with but isn’t relevant anymore. What value, if any, did you replace it with? Did it evolve with you or take on a more nuanced angle?

Let me know in the comments.

Next time, I’ll share how I generally teach my values to others.