These two social metrics are declining

I’m a sucker for punishment and like to play on ultra-nightmare difficulty in any arena.

I think that’s why I’m a 9-5 career parent who moonlights as a content creator, and it’s enabled me to meet some of the most amazing people. One of my awesome readers wrote a wonderful article on her thoughts about marriage and raising a family¹ in the 21st century.

According to the data from USAFacts, a non-partisan, non-profit data analysis firm headed by former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, marriage rates have been declining since the 1950s.

In context, fertility rates for the US have also steadily dropped over a similar time period:

As an Asian American who is familiar with Chinese and Taiwanese history, my perspective on the challenges moving forward for the US are colored by what has already started to occur overseas. As a child of immigrant parents with a bicultural upbringing and a family of my own, I now have my own life experiences in the US to compare against them.

Here are the nine reasons Scott named as to why marriage and fertility rates are slipping, along with my take on each.

So here goes nothing!

1. Careers and families are oil and water

This largely depends on your core values and what you deem to be fulfilling. Your definition of success can differ immensely from another person. It can even differ by orders of magnitude from yourself at previous stages of your life.

I thought that making money and living comfortably was something that I could aspire to easily. My pride at snagging a six-figure job right out of the tail end of the housing crisis was a crowning achievement.

I was wrong.

Balancing my engineering career with the challenge of raising two little boys while sharing my thoughts here is a blessing. It focuses me on what I truly feel matters. They say you choose your suffering, and this is mine. I’d rather live this life in service to my friends and family than in service only to myself.

2. Kids don’t like hanging with adults

As with many things in life, it depends. Define what constitutes being a child. Is it your mentality? Is it your physical age?

I’m just an oversized kid. Soon, I’ll be at the point where I can wear my children’s clothing as they keep growing. It appears that they both got their physical genetics from their mom’s side of the family. All the boys on her side are rather tall.

That aside, my kids enjoy hanging out with me. The real question you should be asking is whether or not you enjoy hanging out with them. Sooner or later, all kids will want to figure out their path in the world. The truth is that it’s for them to discover on their own, and the best you can do is provide the crayons, the jerseys, the pencils, the markers, and the lessons.

3. Homework is a hassle for parents and children

I’m a teacher at heart. I’ve experienced a variety of disciplines from music to martial arts, from theater to dance, from engineering to academic research.

Homework is an opportunity to test the depth of your understanding. The unfortunate truth of it is that most adults don’t like to be shown the truth about how well they were educated.

Yes, homework is a hassle, but it’s something that is meant to be present throughout our lives. Whether you’re working at home or at home doing work, you are setting an example with your presence and your actions. Being involved in what your children are learning and engaging them where they’re at is not easy, but it’s something that will stick with them forever.

4. Spouses are boat anchors to success

Again, this depends on the spouse and the choices you made about what mattered to you in a lifelong companion. If you married a gold digger or a drug addict or a superficial individual, then yes, that person will be the albatross around your neck. Add children in the mix, and you’ve got a ball and chain that will shackle you to misery.

Marriage is a two-way street. If you see it as something that hampers your career aspirations, then you’ve got no business considering it. The reality of what’s happening now is that it’s a legal definition in the eyes of the government that is also a sociocultural construct. It is largely accepted but is not absolutely necessary.

It’s a choice.

5. Divorce is easier than ever

It is fairly straightforward to file for divorce isn’t it? If you got a prenup agreement, you can take everything that you had when you started out and leave.

Sure.

When it comes to relationships, you are forever a part of your spouse’s journey. Whether you separate or end the marriage, you aren’t going to have a clean severance package. Both of you became intertwined on many levels, and nothing can change that.

That being said, the technical process isn’t so hard. You can nullify a marriage in the eyes of the government for a price, but the personal aspects are a lot more complex.

6. The dining room serves no purpose anymore

I concede that these days things are a lot more hectic than they were when I was growing up. I was only able to eat with my own parents for about a decade or so before my hobbies and after-school activities began to cut into that time.

My brother and I eventually went to a residential school to pursue music for the last few years of high school.

Now, I’m involved in a never-ending process of cleaning and maintenance while keeping an eye on them to make sure they don’t sneak their food to the dogs. At this point, we’re down to our youngest learning to sit and eat properly.

Every once in a while, we’ll actually get to sit at the counter or huddle together at the dining table to eat.

7. People can’t afford a house for kids anymore

Buying a house is a point of pride for any immigrant family, especially those who come from densely populated areas of the world where real estate is completely out of reach. It’s true that buying a house is really tough financially.

I’m fortunate that I managed my finances well before I started a family. Otherwise, I’d be in a tight situation now struggling to pay down my mortgage that is pegged at 5.5%. We have a park within three minutes driving distance, and we live across the street from the elementary school that my kids attend.

I know it’s not the case for the vast majority of Americans.

8. Temptations abound at the workplace

Sure, when you spend at least 40 hours a week surrounded by others and living a normal adult life, there are going to be distractions at the workplace.

I wasn’t raised that way.

I am committed to my wife and my children, and I have no interest in complicating my life by pursuing an extramarital affair. I’m in an open marriage where if either one of us wants to see other people, then we have ground rules about when and where and how so that our children aren’t confused about anything. I’m simply not interested, though.

9. Liberated women don’t want babies

I feel like this goes back to the first and fourth points. Isn’t this like saying that men don’t want children for the same reasons? I understand that women’s rights were nearly the equal of men’s rights until recently, and it’s something that I consider to be an unfortunate travesty.

Women should be afforded the same respect and deference as their male counterparts at every level. Marriage and children are a shared decision between two people, and claiming that parity is going to take away the motivation to have them sounds…contrived?

Parting thoughts

You may be asking yourself what any of this has to do with the theme of this newsletter.

Your views on marriage, children, and how socioeconomics both locally and globally impact your country are defined by your identity, your values, and what is at the core of what you stand for. Depending on your background and how you were raised and what you choose to accept and act on all define what you will pass on to your children. My responses to each of these points here are a result of mine.

What about you? Are you married? Do you have children? What are you going to pass on to them if you do?

Footnotes:

1. Each talking point is from this podcast episode hosted by Scott Adams, the cartoonist behind the “Dilbert” series. As a person who likes to do my own research to avoid the political fun house mirrors, I do my best to look at the facts. I’m a test engineer by trade so it’s kinda my thing. I’ve never applied my skills to disciplines outside of STEM, but I gave it my best shot here.