This one thing makes all the difference

They’re always watching.

If you are or have been a parent, then you know.

We’ve all been children so we certainly have experience in spades.

The sponge approach is the best one in life. You watch. You listen. You imitate. You say things that your parents said to you. You do things that you saw them do day in and day out. You pursue similar aspirations or seek to exceed them to show that you have learned from their mistakes.

Or you run in the opposite direction as a subtle “f*ck you".

It’s the same with your teachers and mentors as well.

You model what works.

The universal teaching method

You may know a million different things from your life experience, but you won’t pass that on to your children directly.

The best that you can do is to show them who you are, flaws and all, and how you grow and evolve as an individual. Some adults never develop the skills to improve themselves mentally or emotionally. Your daily behavior is absorbed by those around you, and if you have children, this is especially true. Your colleagues and friends already have their own behaviors in place so how you act will affect them on some level, but not nearly as much as an impressionable kid.

This is where another layer of communication is required, one that can be particularly challenging for those who lack patience.

When it comes to practicing your values through principles, verbalizing and explaining it to others can be tedious if you find you’re having to do it often and repetitively. It’s not the easiest thing for an adult to do (nobody likes to explain themselves), and it can be even harder for a child to understand.

This is where your judgment has to come into play.

You certainly don’t want to overwhelm someone with details that they won’t get at their age. For example, if you’re having to explain why you got upset or frustrated at someone, there’s no need to go too far into the backstory or details if you’re sharing it with a four-year old. Storytelling is an art and a skill in and of itself that is beyond the scope of this series, but it’s one that is essential for leaving a lasting impression regardless of the age of your audience.

Daily behavior and consistency of your response to situations are like nails that are hammered into the framework of the person watching.

The more they observe you in your life, the deeper the impression, positive or negative, of your behavior on them.

An inconvenient truth

“Do what I say, not what I do.”

It’s one of the worst things to say as a parent. Like a fart in a hurricane, this carries about as much water as a spaghetti strainer. You teach your values through your actions, not through your words. You can dispense all the advice in the world, but hypocrites don’t have much credibility. The most effective way to create a legacy is to align both.

“Do what I say, along with what I do.”

The two must be congruent. You better believe that if your kid watches you do the opposite (like eating a donut right after you tell them vegetables are good for them), then you better be ready to have a very good explanation or own up your faults.

I had to explain cheat days to mine for that one.

Try it. Pick one of your values that you’ve clarified so far and demonstrate specifically by principle in front of others. You don’t have to go out of your way to corner them and explain it to their faces (rude), but make it a point to do it in public. If you’re a parent, then this is already something you don’t have much choice in. For that case, you can take an opportunity to explain it to your child and see if they have any questions.

You might be surprised at what they ask.

Let me know how it goes in the comments below.

In the last issue of this series, I’ll guide you through a way to summarize everything that’s been shared this week.